The steaks arrived at the table on plates that were 550 degrees.  I guessed this was probably unnecessary, but when you pay $120 for a steak I guess it should be served warm.  We dined on the high quality food, drank expensive wine and reminisced on old college memories.  The two guys I was with on this Spring Break venture to Vegas were two of my old college buddies.  

As we finished the meal we began to make plans for the rest of the night.  Jason had heard of a club called “Pure” where you can usually find extremely over-priced drinks, a shit-load of metro-sexuals, and more often than not some scum-bag Hollywood celebrity… Sounded to me like a perfect place to pick up some Vegas pussy.

Everybody has one.  No not bellybuttons, fat friends.  Fat friends who will do anything you want in order to remain your friend.  Most people require nothing from their wide bodied friends than compassion and loyalty.  Not me though, I require total compliance with any half brained plan I come up with.  Such was the case of a fat friend of mine in high school,  we'll call him Harvey.

Harvey was enormous.  He was about 6'2” and weighed about 350 pounds.  He had blond curly hair and freckles on top of freckles and to top it off, he was stupid.  As you can imagine, Harvey had little to no social skills thus he had no friends until he met me and my friends.  To be accepted, Harvey would do anything that would make us laugh or make us happy.  Naturally we put him through hell.

That’s right, you just read How to Pick Up Deaf Girls as the title to this guide. Now you probably have never considered doing this for numerous reasons that are flying through your tiny mind. You wonder how you’ll talk to her, if she can even dance with you and how she communicates during a hand job, etc. Don’t worry; I’ll take care of any questions you may have.

The first step to this process is of course, finding a deaf chick. Normally you would want to look for any girl that sounds like a drunken zombie giving a Chewbacca impression, but since you’ll probably be in a loud ass bar, you can’t completely rely on this proven method. So the next tell tale sign is a girl moving her hands and talking at the same time.  You’re looking for motions that don’t look like the ones your typical bimbo gives to her friends when she’s been telling some story about shoes. If these two methods don’t work, you’ll need to use your trained eagle eyes to spot a hearing aid which looks like a snail fucking the back of someone’s ear. Some of these can be super tricky and look like abnormal tumor growing inside of an ear.

She had some of the biggest tits that I had ever seen.  She was in fantastic shape and she was wearing a t-shirt that had been cut into a v-neck so her cleavage was bursting out.  I was at the Queen of Heaven Church's annual festival with my roommate, his girlfriend, and her friend with the enormous sweater puppets, we'll call her Tits McGee.   I was in a perfect situation.  I had a huge, cheap beer in my hand, with a good friend, and a slut with giant tits who I was going to try to fuck that night.  Soon after getting down my first beer, my roommate approaches me.

Roommate: “Why the fuck don't you have your tongue down Tits McGee's throat by now?”
We look over at her and her group of friends as they are poking at her tits and laughing about how they are literally about to pop out of her Baby Gap t-shirt.

A night spent drinking after losing our last flag football game of the season was mandatory.  I wanted to bury everything that had to do with that team in an ocean of alcoholic beverages.  I usually get what I want and this night was no different.  While outside smoking, a few older ladies move through my circle of friends on their way into the bar.  One friend calls out, “MILFs.”   Then the night got exciting.

The two older women thought they had found the fountain of youth and spent the rest of the night slurping up anything we laid down.  Knowing I’m a sucker for a bet, my friend Peck bet me a turkey sandwich that I wouldn’t take one of the cougars home.  All it took was 5 minutes on the dance floor and the Cougar was moist and ready to leave.  I was probably the first person she has danced with that wasn’t worried about breaking a hip, so she wasn’t hard to impress.

I mentioned that there were many different ways to smoke in the previous pharmacy article.  I got creative and get a little more in depth with what options you have.

You can roll it in a joint,
twist the ends into a point

The most used drug in America, so it needs no introduction.  Hate it or love it, you've probably tried it.  

Precaution:
The only thing to worry about is that marijuana can stay in your system for more than a week, so if you have an important drug test coming up, be smart.  Stay away from it or at least purchase some good de-tox at your local smoke shop.  So throw precaution to the wind, my friend, because there is very little that can go wrong aside from lighting your eyebrows on fire when trying to hit that roach one last time.

A lot of research done by married sacks of dog shit has shown that being single has huge disadvantages.  Well I've read it all and I'm here to say it's complete bullshit.  Here are 5 reasons why being single is awesome, Another Bender style.

5.  You Have more money for yourself.
When I cash my check it is never spent on a trophy wife's shoes, some kid's little league fees, or a slut's new hair style.  My money is spent on slick leather shoes so I glide across the dance floor when I spot the girl I'm taking home for the night.  It's spent on fees for my flag football team.  The money I bring home is spent on beer and shots at my favorite watering hole with the friends that never disappoint.

One February I was working my balls off trying to keep my shit straight while dating different girls.   Two of these girls were crazy as shit, and one wouldn't even fuck me.  I spent most of my time trying to nail the Ice Queen and I was growing restless, so I came up with a bullet proof plan that would woo any normal girl into a sexual frenzy. After one hell of a night out and still getting nothing I was beginning to question her sexuality.  The next morning was Valentine's Day and I had one more trick up my sleeve.  If this wasn't going to work then I knew that God himself wouldn't be able to get past her chastity belt.  I attached a note to her favorite candy and tied it to my bedroom door.  That note gave her a hint that led to another note, which led her to another and so on.  Eventually they would bring her to roses and a card full of the most ridiculous romantic bullshit I've ever written.  I set up the trap and left for work.

When I arrived home from work I was completely expecting to find this chick naked on my floor covered in whip cream.  What I found were two bags on my counter top and a giant stuffed bear on my couch.  I walk over to the bear and read a note attached too it that read, "My bear is bigger than her bear!  XOXO."  I stand confused as everything slowly sinks in.  The Slutty Princess came over and dropped off her gifts too...  

As a single guy Valentine’s Day is one of the greatest days of the year.  If you’re asking why then turn off the computer, climb up on top of the roof, and do a nice swan dive right off the edge.  Please make sure you land head first. Alright, the losers are gone so now we can continue.  As a single guy, you don’t need to spend your hard earned green on some dumb girl.  Especially some dumb girl who is going to buy you a homo little teddy bear with her name on it that you’ll have to hide in your closet when your friends come over.  Even though being single by itself is cause for celebration, I’m going to make sure you have one more reason to be happy on the morning of February 15th. Now let's get you laid on Valentine’s Day.

Anybody who thinks that it’s impossible to hook up on Valentine’s Day has obviously never known a woman and should probably join the losers on the roof.  Women don't like to be alone.  I don’t give a fuck what any of them say, all this “I like being single”, “I’m fine by myself”, is bullshit.  Every woman on earth wants to be in a relationship, it’s written in their DNA.  They want to feel safe, protected, and loved.  Knowing this is half the battle, because you’re going to get laid by using this against them.  Since Valentine’s Day falls on a Saturday this year the odds are already stacked in our favor.

Valentines Day is approaching and you just can't decide what you want to get your sweet heart.  Don't sweat it, Another Bender is here to help you come up with something unique.  

Nothing will tell your baby doll that you care like crafting something by hand.  The time you spend on it will touch her heart and it's something she'll remember forever.

February is a month for men to celebrate.  It’s the month that we proudly grow our facial hair to ridiculous length and sip spilt beer out of our manly mustaches.  This month is Facial Hair February.  There are five rules that must be followed:

1. You must stop shaving immediately.  You can trim around your neck, but your actual beard cannot be trimmed.  It must grow to its fullest length by the end of February.
2. If you must shave one last time then you must use a straight razor.  If you cut yourself during this last shave then you are disqualified from participating.

The greatest moment in any man’s life is the first time he is involved in a threesome.  This is only topped if the two girls in the threesome happen to be twins.  And that is only topped if the two girls are two of your hottest co-workers.

Sometime in late November, at a dinner party with three colleagues, we begin a discussion about a trip to Boston during a four day weekend in February.  We were going out there to visit a teacher that used to work at our school.  We all thought it was a fantastic idea and we booked a flight and I booked the executive suite at the Club Quarters in downtown Boston.  Then the story takes an amazing turn...

There are certain kinds of girls in this world that are more fun to hang out with than others.  One of those types of girls is the partier.  The girl that isn’t afraid to drink her face off and have a good time no matter where she is.  The partier is generally a good time, but on special occasions like their birthday party, things reach new levels of ridiculous.  This is the story of one girl’s birthday party.

Let it be known that there was nothing special about this birthday.  It wasn’t a 21st and she wasn’t dying of cancer.  She just wanted a damn good time, so of course she invites me.  Then combine my friends with a limo, limitless amounts of alcohol, and a gay bar and you have a rampage waiting to happen.

Ok guys.  I’ve been noticing somewhat of a disturbing trend amongst our people that is causing us to loose credibility.  This ridiculous habit is shaving much more than necessary.  I’m not talking about guys shaving too often; I’m talking about guys shaving parts of their bodies that should be left alone.  

We’ll start with the chest.  Guys are supposed to have hair on their chests, girls aren’t.  If you shave your chests then it’s obvious you are trying to be like a girl… Why don’t you go ahead and just have the surgery and get your balls removed while you at it.  A lot of guys give me the line, “but girls don’t like hairy chests.”  Fuck that, those girls are obviously lesbians.  Congratulations, trying to fuck lesbians is a noble goal, but move on to actually getting some ass from straight women.